Illusion
by SassyAngel05
Summary: Set after The Silence. Joan wakes up when Cute Boy God comes to visit her and she's forced to face reality. No real pairing.


Title: Illusion

Author: Sassy

Rating: PG

Pairing: None

Spoilers: The Silence

Disclaimer: Still don't own them, but if someone is willing to give up the deed to Kris Lemche, I'm open for bargaining.

Summary: Set directly after The Silence.  Joan actually wakes up when Cute Boy God comes to visit her and he faces her anger.

**_Illusion_**

            His hand brushed her hair off her forehead gently as he watched his servant sleep.  She looked peaceful at the moment, but he knew the second she woke up, that would pass.  He wanted to help her believe again, to find faith again, but she had to go through this.  He knew she would become stronger in her faith because of this illness and her self-doubts, but all he really wanted to do was absolve her pain.  She stirred in her hospital bed and her eyes fluttered open.  Her gaze landed on him in his familiar teenage male form, corduroy jacket and all.  Her eyes filled with anger and bitterness and that hurt him more than he could express.

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see how you were doing, Joan."  
"Oh, great.  My hallucinations are talking to me again."

"I'm not a hallucination.  We both know that.  And my silence was necessary."  
"Do I?  The doctors say hallucinations come with Lime Disease.  They say it lays dorman for weeks."  
"Dormant, Joan.  Dormant."

"Whatever.  Why are you here?"

"I already told you.  I wanted to see you."

"When you came before, you wouldn't speak.  None of you.  Not Little Girl You, not Goth You, not TV You.  No one would talk.  I was talking to myself and you disappeared."  
"You wanted me to disappear."

"I didn't want you to disappear.  I wanted you to fix me."

"You don't need fixing, Joan.  You're not broken."

"Aren't I though?  I've been talking to God for eight months.  Or a hallucination that I liked to think was God."

"You can't really think I'm a hallucination.  You know better than that?"

"How do I know better than that?  Because things always work out in the end, when I obey you?  How do I know that things wouldn't have worked out anyways, without the advice of my friendly neighborhood delusion?"

He bit on his lip, a surprisingly human thing to do.  Joan could see that she had distressed him, but could she really distress an illusion?  He took her hand and took a seat on her bedside. 

"How do you know things would have worked out for the best?  You can feel my touch, Joan.  I am here.  I have always been here.  I always have your best interests in my mind.  I have everyone's best interests in mind."

"My best interest is being cooped up in a hospital room, wondering if my entire life has been wrong.  If my time in Arcadia has been a lie."

"You are having a crisis of faith, but that is only normal."

"Normal?    I'm sixteen and I thought I was having conversations with God."  
"You're having one now."  
"Funny."

He sighed and squeezed her hand.  "I'm not trying to be funny.  I'm being honest.  Trust in me, Joan.  I'm always here."

A few tears welled up in her eyes, a sure sign that she didn't trust him.  She didn't believe in him.  She'd deluded herself into thinking God existed and that he had picked her out to do his work.  She wanted to believe she was special.  Instead, she was just a freak who talked to fake people. 

"You weren't here when I told Adam the truth.  Did you see the look in his eyes?  If you are who you say you are, you would have.  He didn't believe me.  He thought I was delirious with my disease.  Adam?!  Do you know how hard it is for me to have Adam not believe me?  Adam, who lives in his own world and is open for everything, doesn't believe me.  Of all the people I could have told, I thought Adam would believe.  Then again, I guess I wouldn't have believed if someone had told me that God was talking to them."

"Adam wasn't ready to hear the truth."  
"Or maybe he is right.  Maybe they all are.  Maybe you aren't real."

"If I wasn't real, Joan, Luke would have never seen me.  Or Adam.  Remember when he saw us dancing?  Or when I was at the liquor store as a cashier?  Or when I gave that lecture at your school?  Or when I asked you to have a garage sale?  Others have seen me, they just didn't know it was me."

Joan paused, thinking back to all the times Luke had seen her talking with God.  And Iris had seen the Little Girl God.  And Grace, Adam and Luke had seen him at the supermarket.  And some of the girls had seen her talking to God in this very form.  They'd wanted to know who he was.  Maybe she wasn't completely insane. 

"You need to believe in something, Joan, and I am here.  Believe in that."

Joan tried to pull her hand away from him, but he wouldn't let her.  He kept his grip firm and his gaze steady.

"Don't turn away from me.  You can survive this.  I know you can."

"You know?"

He smiled slightly.  She sounded a bit more like the Joan before she'd gotten sick with that comment.  He stood, not feeling the need to answer her question.  She would know soon enough. 

"Hey!  You can't leave.  I still need to talk to you!"

He was close to the door then, preparing to give her his patented wave.

"I'm always listening."

He offered his wave and walked away from Joan, but not leaving her.

            Helen's eyes widened as she saw the boy leave.  It was him.  The God from her dreams.  Helen glanced over at Joan and saw that she had tears in her eyes, but a look of peace on her face.  She had been talking to him.  Helen had heard the last of that conversation.  He was always listening?  What did that mean?  Helen stood from the couch and stretched before heading over to Joan's bed.    
"Who was that, Joan?"

"You saw him?"

"Yes.  Why?  Was he trying out an invisible cloaking device?"

"Mom…."

"I know.  Lame joke." Helen paused before repeating her question.  "Who was he?"

Joan caught her mother's gaze, a look that said much more than any words spoken.  
"Do you recognize him?"

"He looked like the guy that was in my dream last night.  He was God."  Helen paused as she studied her daughter.

"Does he go to Arcadia High?" Helen continued, since Joan didn't answer any of her questions before.  Maybe she had seen him around and didn't realize it.

"Sometimes.  Depends on his mood."

"What does that mean?"  
"Mom, you know who he is."

"No.  I don't."  Her voice had risen just under yelling, but she was careful to keep it from that.  Joan didn't need someone yelling at he.  She was under enough stress as it was.  And Helen didn't want to wake Will up.  He had had a hard enough time getting to sleep on the uncomfortable hospital couch.

Joan nodded to convince her.  "Yes.  You do.  You just don't believe it."

Helen opened her mouth to reply, but couldn't find the words to say.  She did know.  When she'd seen him, she felt comfort, not worry or sorrow.  Helen sunk down into the bed next to Joan, trying to process what she was figuring out.  She didn't want to believe what she had seen, but she did.  She needed to.  For Joan's sake.  And for her own.  
"Oh. My.  God."

"That's what I said."

Helen laughed lightly and brushed back Joan's hair from her forehead.  "He-"

"I've been talking to him for months.  Of course, he doesn't always look like that."  
"He doesn't?"  
'No.  He likes to change things up."

"Joan-"

"Let's talk about it tomorrow, Mommy.  Please. I'm tired."

"Okay, Joan.  Go on to sleep."

Helen watched her daughter close her eyes and take another deep breath.  Helen smiled even though she had no idea what to do.  God was talking to her daughter.  She had always known Joan was special, but she'd never even thought that this would happen.  She had never even pictured God coming to talk to her daughter.  She hadn't really pictured God coming to talk to anyone.  Helen continued to watch over Joan, as a mother does, but she felt relieved all the same.  Because now she knew God was watching her too.


End file.
